we should always know that we can do everything.

"I want to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain,
who scorch the ground with their intensity."

-- John Green, Looking For Alaska

I have been criticized before for not being spontaneous enough.  It is imminent -- I think too much about everything.  Thinking has been my downfall in relationships, in swimming, and even sometimes in school, when I take an absurdly long time to finish my BC calculus tests because I am thinking so much about each question.  Is thinking a lot a bad thing for me?

I am compelled to think that sometimes, it really is.  Thinking prevents me from being spontaneous; it makes me think an incredible amount about what I am about to do or say.  I'm not exactly sure why I do this, whether it is just this stupid writer's brain that compels me to make everything I say not embarrassing or stupid, or fear of what people might think of me, or what.  I can't play games like truth or dare or never have I ever, because I can't think of any good questions or dares.  I can be candid with my feelings to people, but only if I feel completely comfortable with them and completely comfortable with what I am going to say first.  I think so much during swim practice that I legitimately have arguments inside my own head about whether I can finish the set or not, and I swear it would just be such a blessing to be able to turn my idiot brain off and DO THE SET.

Is this a character flaw, or a bad habit, or an Achilles heel? Is it something I can change, or that I should fight, or should I accept the fact that I am a born writer and nonverbal communicator and embrace the gifts that this gives me, like my ability to communicate through written word? Sometimes I feel like this writer's brain is a curse, and other times a blessing.  Occasionally, I feel socially and mentally frustrated when I cannot turn my editing mind off, but ultimately, I think it is wonderful that I can write and that this lack of spontaneity has allowed me to hone this ability.

Sometimes I do think it might be the other way around.  Did being a writer make me not spontaneous, or did being not spontaneous make me a writer? But maybe the answer doesn't matter -- maybe it's not something I should be thinking about at all.  And maybe that is a good thing, to accept that as it comes.

IN OTHER NEWS...

go listen to this song! right now!