i go to seek a Great Perhaps

"It's so hard to leave -- until you leave.  And then it's the easiest goddamn thing in the world."

- John Green, Paper Towns

It's weird to think about leaving.  While a year ago the only leaving I contemplated was the leaving of a few friends who were going to college, now it is my own of which I so frequently think.  Leaving.  Like, going off on my own.  It sounds funny to say; it feels weird to type.  Doesn't taste right in my mouth.  And yet the word is so full of promise, so full of excitement, that I can't help but welcome it even as I cower in fear.

Aside from the fact that I have no idea what I am going to be doing with my life one year from now, or where I will be, leaving is scary because for the first time in my life, I will be truly independent.  I will make my own decisions.  No more stupid 11pm curfews when I get in trouble, no more being grounded.  No more lectures and no more nagging about my grades.  Yes, these things keep me on my toes, and yes, I am scared of having to keep track of all of the things in my life on my own, but at the same time, I will be responsible for making good decisions and trusting myself.  It's weird that I won't have a pair of parents constantly threatening to relinquish their trust in me.

"Here's to all the places we went. And all the places we'll go."

- An Abundance of Katherines

I don't know where I am going, but I am excited.  I am excited for what I will do and who I will become.  Though I tremble in fear at the thought of the future, I also welcome it with open arms and an open mind.

"Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps." 

- Looking for Alaska

in other news: i got a 91 percent on my bc calc test today, which makes me want to cry of happiness.  and i clearly love john green, but what else is new....