just nod if you can hear me

So this is the new year.

My new year's eve was interesting at best.  Thank goodness I survived the dreaded Christmas training -- two weeks and eighteen (okay, sixteen for me) swim practices that I have no choice but to attend so that I can perform well at the end of the season.  I had my last practice of training on Friday morning, stumbled out of the water, and felt immensely thankful that I wouldn't see a pool or smell chlorine for more than two days.  I went to a party, and it was fun, but weird.  That is all I will say because I don't really have too many reflections on it specifically at this time.

I keep seeing people posting these facebook statuses that express their relief or sadness that 2010 is finally or already over, so I suppose I will go over my year and think about what 2010 means to me.

I started off 2010 rough.  I was reeling from some personal and emotional issues, struggling with apathy about schoolwork and my grades and starting the college search.  This utter exhaustion about everything in my life translated into complete apathy also about my swimming career.  I felt an immense pressure to perform well every single time I swam; an immense pressure to win sectionals, districts, and the state championship in the 100 backstroke as I had in 2009.  I made myself miserable in the one place where I didn't have to feel miserable.  The water didn't lead me on, or criticize me, or make me feel bad about myself.  Still, I made myself hate it.  My teammates felt uncomfortable around my negative attitude, and thank god I managed to pull myself together for the end of the season and enjoy myself, because I had nothing to worry about.  I succeeded in the water and had a good time with my team, and even though by the summer I felt burnt out and emotionally exhausted by my tumultuous season, I learned a valuable lesson: swimming is as serious as I make it.  Freaking out doesn't help me; it only makes me miserable for something that I would otherwise love.

Around spring break, the college search for me began, and I went into it knowing nothing about what I wanted.  I have changed my mind a million times; I have visited many schools; I have struggled more than I ever thought imaginable with the fact that the economy sucks and my parents are architects and I might not be able to go to an expensive school without going into serious debt.  I think I got my first taste of the real world -- the real, harsh, mean world, where life isn't necessarily fair.  I watched my friends consider expensive schools and I felt entitled to do the same.  And although my top three schools are still very expensive, there is still the thought of debt and the less expensive schools from which I am racking up acceptance letters that I needed to apply to, just in case, looming in the back of my mind.

On a more positive note about college searching, though, I realized through my college visits that I want to swim in college.  I love swimming, and I love what a team can be for me, and although I am not the best practicer, I am excited for the new atmosphere that a college team will provide.  I am excited for a group of people who love the same thing that I do, and I am excited to meet new people and have a life of my own in a new place.  And I have loved writing college essays and seeing how much I have grown (shoutout to Elizabeth!).

Two thousand ten was also the year that I feel I learned how to branch out.  I have felt myself discovering friends in new people, and the ability within myself to talk to new people and relate to them.  I have become less introverted and more able to learn and have conversations with others, and I feel that this is the area in my life in which I have taken the biggest strides.  I feel more comfortable around others and I feel like I have built a lot of meaningful relationships with people to whom I will unfortunately have to say goodbye relatively soon.  Which makes leaving harder, but definitely more meaningful.

I ended 2010 more comfortable with my swimming, my schoolwork, and my social life.  And, ultimately, I ended 2010 more comfortable with myself.  Maybe the most important thing I have moved toward realizing this past year is the fact that I have something to say.  It doesn't matter what I look like, it doesn't matter if I don't have a boyfriend, and it doesn't matter what other people think as long as I am happy with myself.  And, for the most part, I think I have been taking steps toward learning how to be.

photo by tyler